Meeting the Adventurer Inside.

I am a procrastinator who hides behind the vague veil of preparation. So very very recently, I have fallen in love with the idea of van life. I’ve always wanted to travel and hiking the Pacific Crest Trail was always on my bucket list. Ever since that made the list I’ve fretted about if I’ll ever have enough time to take off work, what my family and friends would think, what I would think being so far for so long. Deciding to aim for van life has given me a different kind of ambition. No worries about proximity or fear of the unknown, just a quiet peace. Usually I’m frantic and planning all the things and then doubting myself then planning then usually abandoning the plan. This time there’s no jitters, everything just feels right. I feel as though aiming for most people’s “worst case scenario” (i.e. living in your own vehicle) has lifted a lot of stress from my shoulders. In a weird way, this is the culmination of all of my life joys. I’ve always loved driving and the idea of road trips but I have been on very very few.

In previous years, I had let outside influences taint my determination for this kind of life. I had come from a family accustomed to financial stress so it was easy to withdraw into the illusion that this is how life was. To get the stuff you had to work and get the money to get the stuff. Who doesn’t want stuff? Retail therapy had been a bandaid that my family applied repeatedly. Stuff made everyone happy. For the moment. Moving from childhood to adulthood, I had realized that despite these gifts moving in and out of our lives they never helped anyone feel better. They didn’t fix any of their internal traumas or boost their self esteem in any meaningful way. Everyone was still empty.

Initially I went through the traditional steps in life. Painstakingly close to cloning my parent’s start to life (minus the children and 20 years of marriage). High school dating> marriage> house> animals. I was hitting the mile stones in record time. I was so busy climbing the “life ladder” that I didn’t stop to see I had grown into a different person. I had different interests, hobbies and passions than the people around me; than the man I had married.

When the fuck did that happen? Was it part of losing weight? Part of almost dying? (Short story: eating poorly rots your organs) How had we grown so far apart and so differently? I had no idea at the time but all I knew was that something was calling me. Cliche, yes, but I yearned to follow. So, as with most upsets in otherwise placid situations, these desires kicked up a lot of issues we had been overlooking. Important and highly dissenting visions of how our future would look.

The truth of the matter is that I only knew how mismatched we were because I got to know a more authentic layer of myself. Someone stronger, braver, maybe a little dumber. So I got out on my own, hit some hurdles and now I’m back on my feet and looking to follow my call to adventure. I’m done procrastinating and hiding behind excuses. I’ve begun shopping for a van to either renovate or convert for my excursions. I won’t have an accurate timeline until I actually find a van and know how much work I have ahead of me. But I am insanely excited to dive into this project and into this next chapter of my life! I guess, in a way, I’m still hitting all of the “traditional” milestones. Had my quarter life crisis right on schedule 😉


Doing the damn thing.

I titled this entry on January 28th. Today is November 11th. I clearly did not do the damn thing. Which is fine life happens and things get put off. But what could I have gained in those several months if I had lived with more purpose? Or did I need time to heal? Shit really does happen and it leaves us tired. Damaged. We need to take time to heal and recharge.

While I do realize that I have been putting off the life I want, making excuses for one thing or another; I can still be kind to myself. I’m getting back into it. It’s so easy to fall back into old habits, to get overwhelmed by stress or distracted by responsibility. Trying to make it through the week turns into months. Looking back, without purpose and intention life too easily becomes a cycle of erosion and repair.

I don’t want that life. I want to find joy in everything, not dread the coming workweek anticipating everything that could go wrong. I want to build a life I love, a life I can be proud of. There’s a lot of self doubt right now. I feel as though I’m on the cusp of creating something meaningful with nothing but obstacles in my way. It could always be worse. As I sit here, a payroll processor trying to build a life of adventure, I know it must be done.

My idea of the life I’m building is ever changing but incorporates a few core themes despite the fluctuation of the vision. Freedom, creativity and adventure. Fitness was my springboard out of my comfort zone and now I want to expand on that confidence by fueling my life with the spirit of adventure. Until I can make my entire life drip and ooze with remarkable experiences everyday, I want to begin doing little things on a day to day basis. Not only to work towards my overall goal of travel adventures but to make a habit of just getting out and doing things that take your breath away. Not to mention, keeping yourself in good shape can help you tackle any adventure that comes your way.I think that self awareness in general is admitting that your goals and desires in life are always going to change so you can’t get hung up on one label or one school of thought. This blog was transitioned from my old fitness blog, ironlizerd. Not that fitness isn’t fantastic, it’s just not the all encompassing factor of my life anymore. The goal I have for my life is to be more based on experience than based on results. I look back at the girl who started trying to blog years ago, so many things have changed. I’m not married anymore, not knee deep in any type of keto and trying to get the hang of a gym routine again. I have grown so much in this time and I’m extremely happy with where I am. My independence, confidence and determination have never been higher. I’m ready to go out and make this world my adventure.